Awareness: 1/9/2018

I can’t believe that sitting down to meditate for only 10 minutes was as difficult as it was. Every little sounds became incredibly apparent. I could hear the dehumidifier and the gentle groan clicking of the heating element in our hot water heater over the sound of my own breath. It caused me anxiety to be alone with my own thoughts and ideas. I found myself unconsciously picking at my shirt and shifting my position. I wiped my eyes and stretched, not out of genuine discomfort, but of restlessness, and all in the course of ten minutes. The idea that I have become so unfamiliar with boredom that ten minutes of silence fills me with dread seems a perfect indication of the state of our mental health as a society.

Quitting Vaping is still going well. When I wake up in the morning my lungs feel like they are full of cobwebs that must be cleaned out through deep breaths and stretching. It’s a hard sensation to describe, but there is a general tension there. I hate to think of all of the damage I have done to myself over the last ten years by constantly taking these substances in to my body in such large quantities. I’ve also noticed some pretty severe mood swings, a little depression, and some feelings of insecurity that are abnormal. Nicotine apparently interacts with serotonin levels in the brain, and withdrawal causes these feelings of loneliness, isolation, and depression for the first month of so. I’m determined not to go back. I need to set an example for my family.

The diet and exercise routines are also going well. I bought some new running shoes, which I desperately needed, and I’m going to start using them. Running has gotten a lot easier now that my lungs aren’t constricted by constant vape inhalation.

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